Rascals
by FluffleNeCharka
Summary: It's the finale! A giant hamster thinks Milla is racist while a super hero version of her fights against super villain Sasha as they all ward off the hamster with the coolest secret weapon EVER! And what's this? The end of Nebraska? [Completed]
1. Funky Beginning

It had started out so normal…

Which, of course, was a formula for something to go wrong.

It was a normal day for Sasha Nein and Milla Vodello. Milla got up out of her round, cushy magenta bed and sang in the shower. She brushed her teeth with toothpaste that was sparkly, and she put on a form fitting white dress with aqua blue polka dots and skipped away. Sasha got up out of his lab chair where he'd fallen asleep, decided not to shower owing to his urgent experiments, and changed his clothes so fast, most military officers wouldn't have been able to match him. In a dark green sweater and matching pants – his version of casual – he bypassed breakfast as per usual and walked, dignified, out of his lab. Milla ate pizza. And as everything fell into its normal rhythm of boredom and happiness, something not-so-weird happened. Sasha and Milla got a call from HQ.

Of course, Sasha was there early, even though he stopped to set a squirrel or two aflame. As usual, Milla was late, owing partly to the fact she stopped to pet the squirrels, talk to them, ask one named Joe if his ex wife was letting him have custody of the kids, and tell John, the albino squirrel, that if he wanted to be bisexual, it was his choice and he had her support. As always, Milla was enthusiastic, happy with the world and noticing all the beauty around her. Sasha was staring out the window, looking bored in a strange way. Like he was so bored he didn't think anything but boredom existed.

They listened to their assignment and the details of their mission in polite silence, like they always did, and then they took the jet to the not-so-weird location of Whispering Rock, where one Cadet had gone mad and was apparently threatening to kill everyone.

That's where things finally started to get weird.

The Cadet was named Don Kitty Lick. All the kids hated him. They were planning to murder him! And the counselors, they acted so nice; but they talked about how weak he appeared when he wasn't looking! Oh, he could tell! The kids who thought he was their friend, oh, well, he wasn't sure what they were planning, but it was probably something hideous and evil! They thought he was insane, but he'd show them!

Don was short, with yellow hair in a ponytail and blue-tinted skin. His eyes were pitch black like an aliens. He wore nothing but the color orange. And though he was incredibly skinny, and usually looked geeky, whilst he was holding 3 kids above an open fire via TK, he looked just like a terrorist.

Born into an ultra-rich family, Don's issues began when his father ran off with his secretary. Don was devastated. His mother was insane and could be perfectly nice one day, then evil the next. She threw things at him and screamed and ranted about random things like the price of grapefruit and whether or not squirrels had small intestines. Don's little sister had bug-eyes and painted French mosaics on the wall in her spare time whilst chanting 'I like chicken' over and over. And Don's older brother was a drunk who painted cave drawings of pigs on the ceilings with blood and wine. Yeah, so we all can understand why Don was insane himself. He also had an obsession with shiny things.

"Darling," Milla said soothingly. "There's no need to harm them. Come on down here and let's talk this out like we're supposed to, hmm?" Her tone was soothing, but Don hated her, even though he hadn't even met her.

"You're all against me!" He screamed, letting one of his hostages drop closer to the fire. Milla gasped, but Sasha simply held out a hand and telekinetically yanked the dangling kid out of Don's startled grasp and laid the choking little girl, named Suzie Pumpkinbrittle, down gently on the ground. "That Goth guy especially!"

Sasha's eyebrows shot up at being called 'Goth', and under any other circumstances he would've been torn between laughing and doing psychoanalysis on the kid. Milla gave him a look, scanning her partner up and down. She would have told Don that Sasha wasn't Gothic – he didn't have the willpower to break himself away from his Brain Tumbler for long enough to be _himself_ let alone anything else – but of course, this was not the moment to get into that debate. So instead, she just took a deep breath.

"Don, darling, this isn't the way to go!" Milla insisted. "Become something important and rub it in their face! Don't prove that you're worthless!"

"SHUT! UP!" Don screamed.

Then bright blue light flashed everywhere, and Milla and Sasha's shields failed them. Thrown backwards, both could've sworn they felt something hit their necks before a curious shrinking sensation came over them. Sasha was the first to faint, then Milla. It wasn't normal fainting, either. In normal fainting, everything either goes black suddenly or gradually. This time, they were getting flashes of vision, like when you blink as rapidly as you can. Then everything eased into black.

They didn't know it then, but it was the start of a long, weird day.

---------------------------------------

When Sasha first awoke, one thing registered with him: he was naked. And apparently in some sort of weird blankets. Then his eyes opened. He looked down. His clothes and sunglasses were suddenly so big… What was WRONG with that Don kid? Did he have a crush on Sasha and want to see him like that? He sighed. _Note to self: Get Don therapy. And NEVER wear anything that can easily be removed. EVER._ Then he turned towards where Milla had fallen – she was only a few feet from him. Then he realized something was truly wrong.

She was so short. And so much more childlike. Her hair was mid-back length now. And her clothes were way to big as well. For the moment, she was sleeping peacefully. Her earrings had fallen out of her ears. Milla looked about eight.

Then he figured out what happened.

His age had somehow been reduced. But, no, that was impossible. No psychic had ever done anything like that. Still, his mind argued against his sanity, what other explanation was there? Sasha sighed exasperatedly. Why had wanted things to change? He was happy being smart, isolated, and relatively stylish. Childhood was awful. Sasha ran a hand through his hair. What had he done to deserve this?

Milla stirred beside him, and her green eyes opened. "Darling," she asked, her voice an octave higher, a little softer, and much more girly. "What happened?"

"Milla," he replied sullenly, trying to keep that unholy degree of calm he always retained, "We've had our age reduced."

"Huh?" she muttered none-too-intelligently, sitting up… Which gave her ample reason to realize she no longer had any chest of any kind, which, trust me, automatically gets most women's attention. She looked herself up and down, pulled her dress up over her chest, and screamed.

"Oh my God oh my God oh God!" Milla yelled, trying to stand up and hold her dress up. Sasha sat, catatonic, as she screamed for Agent Oleander, who had been by the jet (as his little 'Loboto incident' had gotten him orders not to do anything else) when they'd been hit. "AGENT OLEANDER! HELP!" Then she reached down and shook Sasha awkwardly with one hand. "Darling, move! Say something!" She noticed, for the first time, that his eyes were a very beautiful black. But they were hollow. "SASHA!"

Then Agent Oleander levitated over to them. "What the f- SASHA? MILLA?" he stared at them, Sasha laying as if dead and Milla, clutching her clothes to her, lower lip trembling.

"Morry," Milla intoned desperately, "I think you should call HQ now."

--------------------------------

Me: This is a sign I clearly have no talent…

Kedra, my muse of randomness: We've known that ever since fifth grade…

Me: I need some psychological help… Anyways, this is just a filler idea whilst I come out of writer's block on everything else. That and I like the idea of an eight-year-old Sasha! -squeals- so cute and dignified!

Kedra: I wonder if I should resign from my job. You seem to be random enough as it is. Anyway, three reviews will earn you a whole new chapter of this insanity. That's right, we're not updating until we know there are at least 3 people out there who like this.


	2. Coloring

----------------------------------------

An hour later, one very shaky Milla and one very sad-looking Sasha were sitting, fully dressed, in the Main Lodge. Don had disappeared, but the damage he caused sure as hell hadn't. Raz and Lili were both kind of stunned to see the mini-Psychonauts.

"Milla! You have anime eyes!" Raz exclaimed.

"And Sasha!" Lili said in shock, "You actually look cute for once!"

Sasha narrowed his eyes and started to use pyrokinesis against her, only to find that he couldn't do much more than create a poofy thing of smoke. Weirdly, this was green smoke. He paused, muttered something that sounded like 'fascinating', and pulled a notebook out of his mind along with a pen. Milla rolled her eyes and she and Lili giggled. Raz, who was sensitive but unable to understand the girly moment, scooted away to look at Sasha's notebook. Sasha had drawn something that looked like 'if a CAT scan machine and a dentist chair were to mate, this would've been the end result'.

"Hey, Sasha," Dogen said, waddling over. "Um, I want you to know now that you're small, I really like you. I like how you look and I like your shoes and if you ever need me, I'll be by the squirrels. Joe's getting a lawyer!"

Sasha stared at Dogen before turning to Milla. "Well, that was awkweird and sweet, but what do you suggest we do now, Agent Vodello? It takes at least four hours for a report to get through to HQ this time of year, and we can't very well work in our labs in our current state."

Milla grinned and grabbed him by the hand, which freaked him out because he didn't have gloves anymore. "I know what to do, darling! I have crayons and markers and paper and glue and-"

Sasha's business-like brain snapped into action. "We could use those materials to design a device to analyze the effects of the blast on our DNA."

Milla sighed and stopped, hugging him. "Darling, you need to lighten up." Sasha just stood very, very still. He had a phobia of physical contact. And, of course, fate had conspired to put him into the most physical act on Earth: A hug. A dreaded, awful, evil, cuddly, little-kid hug. What had he done to deserve this torture!

Finally, the hug ended and Milla was pulling him towards her stash of crayons (under the Main Lodge, for whatever reason) and for a while she drew bunnies with army helmets. Sasha continued working on his CAT scan/dentist chair thing. From time to time, Sasha would glance up and smile, 'cause _damm_ Milla looked cute when she was pouting 'cause she couldn't color inside the lines. Milla was so cute he waned to reach over and poke her. Realizing that would probably get his butt kicked, however, he just went to back coloring. When Sasha wasn't looking, Milla stared at him and wondered why he kept his eyes hidden under sunglasses before. They were a dark, dark green that looked like black until you got close. He was so cute, she wanted to poke him. So she did.

_Poke._

Sasha's eyes narrowed for a moment, but he said nothing and continued coloring his funky little machine. Stay calm, he thought, ignore her and she'll go away. But, of course, that advice has never worked for anyone. Ever, in the history of time.

_Poke._

He glanced up now, his hand very still above the crayon box. Milla should have known better than to mess with the great Sasha Nein when he was choosing between chestnut or chocolate brown. That was a cause for war! Milla in all her so-called crayon mastery had no idea how important subtle colors could be. They could make or break the entire mood of a drawing. But of course, Milla's favorite element on the Periodic Table of Elements was mostly likely Neon. She'd never understand his need for quiet while he worked. When she gave him an unbelievably cute, yet cheesy 'I-didn't-do-anything' look, he groaned and went back to work.

A few seconds later, she poked him again.

Sasha took a deep breath, grabbed his paper, and turned invisible. Apparently he still had that power. Milla pouted. Aww, now who was she going to poke? Luckily for her, Joe and John (the squirrels) came over to talk to her. They were dating! Milla told Joe that she was happy to hear he got a lawyer, and she told John that just because he had red eyes didn't make him any less of a man-squirrel. However, as soon as the two gay little squirrels skipped off, Nils walked over. She groaned. The one fate worse than death was approaching – a blonde boy!

"Hey, I heard Sasha dumped you," Nils said smoothly. "I just want you to know, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I'm there for you."

Milla rolled her eyes. "That's nice, but-"

"And if you wanna make out at the same time, I'm down with that too."

Milla's psychic fist punched him pretty hard in the stomach. Nils was sent conveniently flying backwards and into the only mud puddle in a twelve mile radius. Elka set him on fire from where she had been watching and ran off, saying how she hated all men. Milla hated Nils. But Raz and Sasha were okay and they were guys, so _she_ didn't hate all men. Some of them were very pokable.

------------------------------------------

Near the Geodesic Psychoisolation Chamber, Sasha was contemplating why he liked Milla so much. It made his head hurt to think that he really loved someone so truly bizarre and bright. There was too much stuff there to think about, so Sasha groaned and laid down in the grass beneath the GPC. Maybe now he could have some alone time to sort everything out and maybe get a quick nap.

Guess again.

"Hey, man," Quentin greeted happily in his hippy-like voice. "Are you okay? You looked bummed, man."

Sasha sighed as Quentin sat down beside him. "This isn't something I want to talk about. Especially not to someone who just four hours ago was my student."

Quentin wrapped an arm around Sasha. "Man, if you don't talk about stuff, it snowballs WAY out of control. Trust me on this. Vernon can tell, like, stories man, that all coulda been avoided if he'd just talked to somebody. Besides, I'm good at keeping secrets. I got a record for it. I'm like some secret keeping machine."

Sasha groaned, but since he was a kid now, he didn't have as much control over himself as he used to. So he leaned up against Quentin, sighed, and told him everything. "Milla kept poking me when we were trying to color. So I left. And now, I feel vaguely guilty."

Quentin chuckled. "Man, _I know_ how that one works. Phobe and I went through that once. What you gotta do is tell her you're sorry, but you're just not feelin' it, you know? Then she'll probably just be like, 'yeah, that's cool' and it'll all blow over."

Sasha gave him a hopeful look, "You really think so?"

"Of course," Quentin replied. "Women are way cooler about things than guys. Totally copasetic."

And with that, Quentin hugged Sasha, who, as a kid, didn't fight back. He didn't hug Quentin back, true, but it was still progress.

What they didn't know was that somewhere in the woods, an evil hench-elf had just taken their picture. Hidden in the shadows like all cheap villains usually were, he chuckled manically to himself before coughing and having to reach for his inhaler. Oh, well. The evilness and melodramaticness of that moment was still kinda in tact. Grinning from giant ear to giant ear, Benny skipped off to show Bobby what he'd done. Oh, when THIS little picture got circling around, it would be so _cool_!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Author's Notes: Wow. That was really weird. Sorry that this is so funky, but I wrote the whole thing (this chapter AND the last) during the god-awful standardized testing. So yeah, essentially, I wrote this after four hours of math and reading comprehension skills analysis


	3. Yaoi and Yuri

Sasha had never been good at telling when something was wrong. Somedays he was so out of it that nothing could break his obliviousness. If Oleander had driven down a mountain in a Brain Tank singing Shakira, Sasha would have just sipped his coffee and gone back to work. But now the way people were staring at him was so absolutely funky, that he HAD to notice. Right now, he couldn't have ignored the whispers and glares if he'd had a billion cups of coffee. God, he was just trying to get a burger for dinner.

"Hey dude," Quentin said, coming up behind him. "Any idea what's with the glaring? Totally uncool, but no one will give me the scoop, yo."

"I have no clue," Sasha replied with a shrug. "Milla and Phoebe are over there – perhaps they have some idea as to what this is about."

"Excellent idea, my man," Quentin congratulated him with a smile, grabbing a big mug of hot cocoa and a salad. "You got serious brains!"

Everybody whispered when the two boys walked past. It was like some ultra-creepy movie where all the villains were small gossipy psychic children. Quentin just smiled and said 'yo' or 'what's up?' to a couple of people, but Sasha was getting anxious. It's been said that some children have a form of precognition that allows them to tell when something's gone wrong. Its slang name is gut feeling, and Sasha felt it deep in his gut.

Phoebe and Milla were both slightly pale, and talking really, really fast. When they saw their friends coming, they had a whispered conversation that the two could hear the end of : "You ask them!" "YOU ask them, Milla, you're older!" "Darling, if you don't ask them-"

"Yo," Quentin said diplomatically, sitting down next to Milla, "Ask us what?"

"Yes," Sasha picked up, sitting cautiously beside Phoebe. "What is everyone so hyper active over?" He turned to Milla. "Agent Vodello, since you are my superior officer, I cannot force you to tell us. But I _can_ ask you as a friend to quit staring at me like a deer in headlights."

"I'm sorry, darling," Milla mumbled. "Well, you see, people have been talking about the picture – darling, it's not true, is it? You didn't-?"

"What picture?" Sasha asked dumbly. Milla was staring at him like she'd stared at Mr. Pokeylope when he'd started singing 'I will always love you' during last year's Christmas party. (He'd had one too many.) "Milla, what's not true? What are you talking about?"

Quentin turned to Phoebe. "My chicki, you wanna tell me what's going on here?"

In response, Phoebe slid a photo onto the table… And Sasha and Quentin froze solid. The picture showed the two of them, arms wrapped around each other, with small smiles on their faces. Underneath the picture, the words 'The world's loser-est couple' had been written. Sasha shuddered and stared, looking like he was gonna throw up, except he hadn't had food so he'd have to eat to throw up but he couldn't because he couldn't eat because he was going to throw up.

Quentin took a deep breath, picked up the picture, and walked over to Bobby Zilch. He looked every bit as dignified as a fully fledged Psychonaut. Dead silence filled the room as all eyes were trained on Quentin as he held his head high, and in a very calm voice, asked, "I assume this is your doing." He held out the photo.

"So what?" Bobby laughed. "It's not my fault you're gay!"

Quentin stepped closer, letting the picture drop to the floor. His eyes had a strange gleam to them. A soft smile appeared on his face. "Bobby, I know what this really is. It's okay that you're jealous of Sasha just 'cause I hugged him."

"Uuh?" Bobby said dumbly.

"Dude," Quentin said in a husky voice, "I know you've been crushing on me ever since last year. The laughs, the sneers, the way you make fun of my hot cocoa obsession… You want me, and you're ready to kill my friends reputations to get to me. That's why you're being totally not chill to Sasha even though he's just a friend. You don't want anyone else to touch me, but _you_."

Bobby's face got really red for a moment. He began to sweat. He looked around the room and everyone was staring at him. He gulped. Benny was backing away from him like he'd just farted. Everyone was staring at him. His lip trembled. He opened his mouth but nothing came out aside from putrid breath that could have melted steel.

Quentin moved closer. There was less than a foot of space between them now. Quentin placed a hand on the taller boy's shoulder. "You know, I used to kinda like you too. I was all chillax and bein' nonjudgmental 'cause I thought you had a soft side. I thought maybe I'd be all sensitive and look beyond your weirdness and funky hair. I thought you were good. But now I see you're just an insensitive, evil, manipulating, gross **jackass** who can't let people be free and have friends! You're so messed up! You're a control freak, Bobby Zilch! _Go to hell!_"

With that, he psi-blasted Bobby out the door to the Lodge and walked over to Sasha. "Dude, you're a cool friend. But I got somebody else I like." He smiled at Phoebe, who blushed and sighed. "Besides, I know you got a crush on somebody else. So, we cool?"

"Always," Sasha said, still in shock after Quentin's speech.

----------------------------------------------------

Later, Milla and Sasha sat on the roof of the Main Lodge, Milla gazing at the stars and Sasha making charts of the stars for some reason. Quentin had made them hot cocoa, so they were finally having a moment of peace after the hellish day.

Which, of course, lasted all of six seconds.

"Milla?" Sasha asked boredly as he colored, "Why are you a homophobe?"

"Excuse me!" Milla sat up, glaring at him. "What did you just call me, Sasha Nein?"

"A homophobe, which you are," Sasha said mildly, "Which you are, based on your reaction to my supposed relationship with Quentin."

Milla glared at him. "I am **_not_** a homophobe. It's just… Quentin is so hippy… and you're so business-hyper… Darling, I just can't see that working out and-"

"You're a homophobe."

"Am NOT!"

"Are too."

"Am NOT!"

"Are too."

"Am NOT!"

"Are too."

"Am NOT!"

"Are too."

Milla screamed and ran away, slipping on the roof and just barely managing to levitate safely down to the ground, where she collided with Franke, accidentally kissing her. Sasha froze, torn between laughter and horror at such an odd couple. (And somewhere in the back of his mind, a little voice said, _There are LOTS of better girls here at camp for her to date._)

And in the background, Benny was once again seen with a camera, skipping off into the distance with evil plans in mind. But before he could carry them out, he froze. Because down below, below the ramp leading to the Lodge, Bobby was holding Quentin to him and gently whispering crappy poetry. Benny screamed in rage and took off into the Forest, at which point several cougars and a bear chased him into the darkness. Sasha sighed, looking down at the stunned Milla and Franke.

And to think, that was only day one.


	4. It's a deal

Quentin, as it turns out, was not impressed by the poetry. So Bobby could be seen at all times either in the Main Lodge polishing everything spotless, or outside planting blue roses, which were Quentin's favorite. At one point Bobby dressed in lederhosen and did the funky chicken while Benny played the bagpipes. Until Raz set him on fire. Then he just ran around screaming while Benny played the bagpipes.

Milla was no longer speaking to Sasha, so he was engrossed in building a small satellite-like thing. Chloe was standing a few feet away, testing out spaceship models while giving Sasha random space trivia, and unwanted advice.

"You humans are far too emotional," Chloe told him. "On my planet, we just lick each other and make up."

Sasha shuddered. "I do not wish to lick Agent Vodello. I've seen her Brazilian-Venezuelan temper in action. It reminds me vaguely of the time Razputin got into my alcohol reserves."

Chloe sighed. "I still think you should lick her. That, or do something. You two were going be Co-heads of the Psychonauts when my people conquered the Earth."

Sasha groaned and stored his satellite in his mind. "Ah, well, perhaps I should try something. But if I am injured, I expect full compensation from your people."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Milla was found poking Raz, who was breathing deeply. Lili was also poking Raz, but on the other side of his head. Sasha smiled faintly and started to go over, but Quentin came over suddenly and pulled him off to the side. Sasha frowned – this jacket was suede! Then, Quentin pulled him outside, blasted the nearby squirrels, and turned around, looking dead serious. He put a hand on Sasha's neck and another around his waist, pulling him close.

"Pretend like you're cool with this," Quentin whispered. "I need your help, Agent Nein. Bobby is totally stalking me. I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend or I'll never get any privacy. I mean, he alphabetized my breakfast and bought me a lifetime supply of this awful cheap cocoa!"

Sasha sighed and tried not to be freaked out by this much physical contact. "As an instructor and a friend, I'm usually the first to volunteer to help a Cadet, but this is illegal. I could lose my job."

"Not really," Quentin pointed out quietly. "Technically you're like a kid now. Come on, Sasha, please. I'm totally scared right now."

Sasha paused. "I suppose if I made Milla jealous, that would ease her anger towards me. And if you really feel threatened, I have to help. I'll be your boyfriend."

Quentin cheered and hugged him. "Man, you are so cool!"

Bobby screamed in rage from above, falling off the roof dressed as a ninja and pointing a finger at Sasha. "Mark my words, Nazi, you will pay for this! Revenge is a dish best served with hot wings!"

"Eww," Sasha and Quentin said at the same time. "Meat."

Quentin smiled at Sasha. "I **_knew_** you were vegan! I just didn't mention the tofu burger 'cause Raz woulda freaked out yesterday."

------------------------------------------------------

"Did you hear?" Crystal yelled happily. "Sasha and Quentin are totally a couple now, for real! And Bobby's dating Milka!"

Milla growled at the same time Elton yelled, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO –inhale– OOOOOOOOO!"

Milla poked Raz one last time before turning to Elton with a sweet smile. The Mental Minx, indeed! "Darling, the best way to get people back is to make them jealous."

"I'm in!"

Lili grinned. _Yes! Now I can poke my boyfriend all by myself!_ Raz groaned. Sometimes he wished he couldn't hear that. Thankfully, he had a helmet, but still, it hurt. Lili paused to think, though, _If Raz were to date other girls, I wouldn't care. (Not like he could find anyone, anyway.) But I bet **I** dated another guy, he'd hyperventilate and die._

Raz glared at her. "Hey, I'm an understanding boyfriend! You can see other people!" When Lili thought, _Yeah, right,_ he said softly, "Alright. I bet you fifty dollars that if I dated another girl and you dated another boy, you'd come back to me first."

"Hmm," Lili replied evilly, "It's a nice bet, but let's make it interesting. We get to date both genders, loser has to be the other one's slave for a week, and the winner gets a back rub. Deal?"

"Yeah!" Raz cheered, and they shook on it.

--------------------------------

"So," Quentin said in awe, "You made a whole picnic for us in like five seconds? Man, this is way better than when Bobby was stalking me."

Sasha sighed. "Well, I have never had a boyfriend before, so I am attempting to do it as best as I can. I packed you a mug of German hot chocolate, by the way."

Quentin whooted. "This is so awesome, bro! Life is good with you around." He smiled. "I like your outfit, by the way. You know Bobby wouldn't even put on deodorant if Milla hadn't told him 'it's what all the coolest international bullies are wearing'?"

"That's a shame," the German boy replied softly, his dark green eyes twinkling in the sun of the beach, "Because you are most definitely worth more." Then he regained his composure. "In any case, you certainly are an interesting person. Is it true you dated Mikhail for a while?"

"Yeah," Quentin sighed. "But halfway through digging a bear trap that later would become a pool, I realized that it wasn't for me. Besides, he's with Maloof now."

Sasha grinned faintly. "Love is in the air, so to speak."

"Also, seagulls." Quentin put in randomly. "Watch out for the poop."

Just then, Sasha noticed Bobby Zilch approaching, an arm around Milka. And approaching from the decks was the even odder couple of Elton and Milla. So Sasha decided to have some fun. And with Sasha Nein, fun was often evil and slightly cruel, if not twisted. Or in this case, totally twisted.

Sasha pulled Quentin close and started toying with his hair. "I'd fight an army of seagulls for you, my love." And he licked Quentin on the nose.

----------------------------------------------------

Author's Notes: Wow. That was a lot of random pairings…


	5. Pyro Furby Chappy

After that weird moment, an evil idea formed in Sasha's brain, probably brought on by the surge of hormone changes from the age change. Milla had always loved him. He had always loved her. But their jobs had made it hard to admit to. Now, however, they weren't on duty. So Sasha was free to date her. Except her temper made her stubborn. Enter the jealously plan: Make Milla jealous thanks to Quentin.

Except…

Why not be serious about Quentin instead? That way, Sasha reasoned, even if Milla really didn't love him, he'd be safe. Especially if the effects of the age reducer were permanent.

This, my friends, is why you DON'T mix logic and love.

Sasha implemented the plan delicately. He held Quentin's hand. He licked off Quentin's chocolate mustache (nearly giving Milla and Bobby a heart attack at the same time). He even went so far as to sit through Quentin's God-awful band practice, where Benny auditioned for the coveted 'drunken bagpipe player' position. But, thank God, Phoebe burned him and he dove out the window, never to be seen again.

Sasha had been just starting to cuddle up to Quentin when suddenly, there was an awful scream. His Psychonaut instincts kicked in and he dashed out the door, down to the GPC where the sound originated. He was greeted by the strangely kinky sight of Milla in gladiator armor and the understandably un-kinky sight of Nils in what appeared to be drag. They were fighting an awful, furry, giant thing that squealed as it stalked them…

_**A 4-foot tall Furby of DOOM!**_

Milla screamed in terror, because when she tried to run away, it chased her like it was possessed by those gravy flakes they serve in my school's cafeteria. But brave, noble, and warlike Sasha knew what to do.

"BURN!" Sasha yelled, telekinetically drenching the evil creature with kerosene he'd stored all around the GPC for such an emergency. A thousand lit matches flew through the air and lit the Furby violently on fire, while Sasha levitated thirty feet in the air and laughed madly, eyes strangely red in the flames. "BURN! BURN IN HELL, YOU TERRIBLE DEMON!"

"Damm, that's hot," Raz said, shielding Chloe and Milla from the blast.

A few feet away, a flaming Elton could be heard screaming, "Oh my God!" before a flaming rock hit him on the head. Then he just keeled over and started rocking himself back and forth, muttering, "I like chicken I like chicken I like chicken I like chicken" again and again and again.

The Furby glared at Sasha, "Me no like you." Then it died.

Sasha chuckled as he landed, looking evil. Chloe ran over to Elton and asked him if he had contacted her people during his near death experience. Raz just sort of backed away from the insane looking Sasha.

Sasha didn't notice any of them, however, as he was too busy being, well, evil. A evil smile lit up his features. His outfit had changed into a black full body suit with red flames at the bottom and on the sleeves. Out of the ashes, he somehow picked out a pair of black and red sunglasses. He now looked older – about 12 years old! Milla stared at him. His skin was now white pale, and he had small fangs. Carelessly he snapped his dark red gloved fingers, and a bush went up in flames. Two long, bat like black wings had sprouted from his back. His wicked smile faded however, and he sighed.

"I'd almost forgotten about my pyromania phase," he sighed, then turned to Milla in horror. "Oh, God. You saw all of that, didn't you?"

Milla stumbled back, "D-darling, I-I… I think we shouldn't be friends anymore." In her mind, the vision of screaming children within the flames over powered her. Except now, the old vision was tainted by the image of a pyro-happy Sasha, levitating in mid-air while flames danced around him.

"Milla, wait!" Sasha yelled desperately after her. "I can explain!"

But she was gone.

Benny, however, was not, nor was Bobby. They marched up to Sasha, careful of the smoldering ashes that lay everywhere. Bobby grinned. "I told you to lay off Quentin. Just wait until he finds out _you_ attacked _Milla_ with FIRE today, even though you know what happened! I don't think he'll love you then, stupid!"

And the two ran off, chuckling evilly as they went to spread the rumors and lies they were so good at. Sasha started to chase them, frantic. How had things gotten so bad do fast? With a growl, he chased after them, but lost them somewhere in between the GPC area and the campfire area. He paused to look around, then sighed and walked toward a campfire. Well, at the very least, he could cook a squirrel. That always made him feel better. Always. For no reason at all! But before he could flame anything, suddenly he was hit by a psi-blast.

"Take that!" Franke yelled. "That'll teach you to pick on girls!"

"Yeah!" Kitty put in as she tried to blast him.

Sasha was angry this time, though, and his eyebrows knit together as he rolled over. A second later, Kitty was on fire. With a scream, she went running away, Franke at her heels. Sasha's anger instantly changed into fear. Oh, God, what had he done? Now everyone would hate him!

Fearfully, he levitated upward and flew into that little pointless cave that leads nowhere in particular. Careful to tuck his arms underneath him, he curled up to wait for nightfall. Then, he would be safe. None of them dared walk around the camp at night. Sasha sighed. Milla would never love a pyro. Never. And Quentin wouldn't like him anymore if he thought Sasha had attacked someone. He wanted to groan, but a fully uniformed and sane Agent Cruller was below, and he couldn't risk him hearing.

---------------------------------------------------------

Raz and Lili were dead silent at the dinner table. Their bet was all but forgotten. Even the large tarantula that was supposed to be their burger couldn't get them to smile, and this tarantula used to work in daytime television.

Raz whispered to Lili, "Sasha didn't attack Milla, Lili. He attacked the thing that was attacking her. It's just, with Milla's pyrophobia…"

"Yeah," Lili sighed. "But, I mean, he did get all laughy and stuff afterward. And he **did** set Franke and Kitty on fire. Maybe…"

Raz looked up sharply. "Maybe what?"

"Maybe Sasha's gone insane, Raz."

For a moment, Raz looked like he was about to object, then he sighed and gazed at the floor. Softly, he replied, "Yeah, maybe you're right." Then he stood up and went over to Kitty. "Hey, sorry about the whole flaming thing. You gonna be okay?"

Kitty smiled and batted her eyelashes at him while, in the background, Lili's jaw dropped. "Oh, Razputin, I'm _fine_ now," Kitty replied sweetly. "You're _sooooo_ sweet!" Lili growled.

Then Milla walked in, and everyone rushed over to her to offer various questions and forms of sympathy, along with a large purple palm tree. Just like on the first day of school, if you switch the palm tree with a semi truck. Milla just sighed and walked away silently until Nils came up to her.

"Hey, just so you know, um," he rubbed the back of his neck. "I know I usually aim more for making out and stuff, but if you need, like, a sympathy hug, that's cool, too."

Milla just sighed and started poking him on the shoulder. "I like poking people more."

Nils shrugged. "Hey, we all have our fetishes."

---------------------------------------------------------------


	6. Shoes, Linda, and Love

"Sasha?" Quentin called out into the night. "Dude, it's cool! It's me! And I don't have heavily armed forces backing me up, so, you know, chill!"

Sasha sighed, appearing right behind Quentin. "Hello."

"Woah!" Quentin yelled. "A little warning would be nice next time, bro." He hugged Sasha. "Hey, I know Bobby and Benny are full of crap. It's cool. And I'm gonna be a psychologist, so if you wanna talk about your feelings in stuff, it's cool, 'cause psychologists have this thing where they don't tell anybody what their patients say, ever. They don't even have to tell the cops."

Sasha just looked away and put a hand to his chin, being deep and cool as is the way of the Jedi. When he looked back at Quentin, he said, "I think that using certain psychic powers triggers a speed up in age. If we could set Milla up to _have_ to use levitation, it should age her to whatever age she was when she started using her powers heavily."

Quentin smiled, "Yo, coolness! And she'll totally be mature-er and everything, so she won't be ticked off at you." Then he leaned over to whisper in Sasha's ear his plan for tricking Milla, which, for suspense reasons, is audible only as whispery sounds. When he was finished, he added, "And I put spiders and itching powder in Bobby and Benny's underwear, so don't sweat it, my man! Life is good."

Sasha rolled his eyes. "Well, let's get started before a bear attacks us from behind, thus stealing our souls, hearts, and chewing up our bodies."

---------------------------------------------------------

Milla had poked Nils 4586 times. Nils was counting. And, now, Nils was frustrated as heck. He wanted to tell her to stop, but his perverted nature said that, technically, a girl touching him was good. Even if that touch left the entire left side of his head totally numb.

Meanwhile, Raz was finding out that Kitty was God awful to cheat with. She'd spent twenty minutes talking about shoes.

Boots, ankle boots, sandals, high heels, hooker heels, sneakers, Velcro sneakers, bunny slippers, panda slippers, shoes that zipped, shoes that buttoned, shoes that were white, brown, green, blue, yellow, red, pink, fuchsia, violet, plum, black, lavender, grey, beige, golden yellow, dandelion yellow, sky mountain purple, robin's egg blue, crystal blue, sky blue, blood red, screamy red, soft red, hot pink, cool brown, icy orange, soft mixed orange, harsh silver, flaunty gold, dazzling glitter green, forest green, metallic russet brown, and boots that buttoned, shoes that had those little tiny clasps on them, shoes that had hard soles, shoes with padded insides, snow boots, pointy shoes, thigh boots, sequin pointy shoes, pointed shoes with a gliding heel and patterns in them, boots made from fur, metal, wood, leather, fish skin, fake fur, scrap cloth, patterned cloth, wool, string, and woven fur, shoes with bells, shoes with patented French bells for that high class look, shoes with stripes, thigh boots with heels, shoes with spots, shoes with multiple buttons, high heels with sequins and pointy ends that had spots, high heels that had little tiny heels, thigh boots with sequin patterns on them, retro boots, retro shoes, retro sandals, and retro Gatorade brand shoes available only in Western Siberia, sandals with rhinestones, wooden shoes, fish skin shoes, boots woven from alpaca fur, high heeled boots with stretchy backs, shoes with glitter and shoes without; shoes with animals on them, shoes with tye dye swirls, shoes with ankle support like boots but with the cool Velcro of shoes, shoes that were unisexual, shoes that went with green socks and blue socks and white socks, boots with polka dots, sandals with beads, thigh boots with leopard print, sandals with bells, shoes that were from India, shoes from Russia that had woven ankle support but you couldn't tell cause they looked normal, thigh boots made out of fur, thigh boots with bells and stripes, thigh boots with bells, grey and blue striped tennis shoes, ski boots, flip-flops that had flowers by the toes, flip-flops with polka dots, boots with stripes and zippers, shoes made from fur, metal, wood, leather, fish skin, fake fur, scrap cloth, patterned cloth, wool, string, and woven fur, and finally multicolored shoes.

Then she started talking about socks.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Milla was out by the Lake, talking to Linda. Linda was finally marrying Sam Pokeylope, and she was nervously trying to find a wedding dress. She and Milla talked about the details of the marriage – where the new couple would live, how many mutant turtle-fish babies should they have, and stuff like that.

"Sam is a great guy," Linda said with a smile. (Sort of, you couldn't really tell with her.) "He puts up with all my bad habits and he still loves me. He even cooks."

Milla tried to envision Mr. Pokeylope cooking. The result was the mental image of him in an apron, flipping pancakes while whistling. She sighed. "Darling, can I ask you a question?"

"Yes, formerly tall human child?"

"How do you know if you're in love with someone?"

"You'll feel you have little fishes in your stomach," Linda said wistfully, "Your face will turn green in joy when he talks to you. One day you will find yourself dreaming of laying eggs for his children. Then, on that day, you will go to him, and tap his eyeball with your claw five times. That is love."

"…" Milla was silent, because in her head, a chibi-Sasha-merman was poking a chibi-Milla-mermaid's eye while, in the background, a priest in a diving helmet was pronouncing them Man-Trout and She-Salmon. (You may wag your tail at the bride.)

"Darling," Milla finally said, "I don't think it works that way for humans."

"Well," Linda said meditatively, "You could always do what the crawfish do."

"What's that?"

"Each year, twenty females who want to marry gather upon the shores of the Lake. A priest cougar comes wearing his best grass skirt and golf hat to help with the boiling of the sacred oils that are gather from the top of the camp's septic tank. When the solid bath tub is filled with these oils, they then throw the three hundred males who wish to marry inside the tub. Wait five minutes and stir until they start jumping out. Those who live marry. Those who come after the first twenty become the meat like patties they serve at the local schools, and all is well." At the end of this speech, Linda grinned.

Milla stared at her, anime eyes wide. "So you want me to throw Sasha into a pot of boiling "oil" that comes from a septic tank?"

"There are other ways, but I have found that the afore mentioned ones create a deep bond," Linda responded. "And if you are so picky, the suckerfish way is to bite each other's tongue."

Milla just sighed and stood up, realizing with a sinking feeling that she had school in the morning.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"-And then Debbie said that Mandy said that Chelsea said that Cory said that Tim said that Sammy said I said that Laura's dress was like so whatever but I said that my Dad said that my lawyer said that his firm said that they'll take that to court 'cause I'm the most important girl in the world." Kitty didn't notice that Raz was now stabbing the table with his fork, eyes crossed and muttering about the Collective Unconscious to himself.

"Oh, and you'll never guess what Manny said that Laura said about my shoes after Debbie said that Mandy said that Chelsea said to Cory that said that Tim said that Sammy said I said Laura's dress was like so whatever! Manny told me that Laura told Chelsea that I like this guy in Australia named Flick but there are lots of cuter boys there, like Joe and Tom and Frank and Chris and Zack and Robby and James and Thomas and Louis and Michael and Mitch and Jake and Vince and Theo and-"

"GAH!" Raz screamed in fury. "I can't take it! LILI!" She turned from where she'd been standing. "YOU WIN! YOU WIN, OKAY? I CAN'T TAKE THIS PREP!"

Lili smiled. _Good thing too. I was about to ask Chef Cruller for a date!_

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's Notes: It's kinda short, and not much plot development, but I'm working on it. I just haven't recovered from last week, when my school served Fiesta Turkey Macaroni Casserole with White Sauce (the kind they put on spaghetti) three days in a row… Well, actually, two days in a row for lunch and the day after they served it as breakfast. Anyway, three more reviews will get you another chapter of this insanity.


	7. Mer Furbies ATTACK!

A bell sounded, and Raz appeared at the door of the girl's cabin. He was wearing a black leather sleeveless shirt, pink pajama pants, black high heels, and around his neck he now had what appeared to be a collar. Lili, smiling evilly, grinned when she saw the look of fury on his face. She was seated on a throne of cushions, with piles of junk food surrounding her. Raz sighed with relief, however, to see that her shoes were on. _At least she's not one of those women who want back rubs and foot massages,_ Raz thought with a groan, _but what is she going to do now?_

"Razzykins," Lili said sweetly, "I want you to go make out with Sasha. And bring me back some pictures." Seeing the look of pure, unyielding horror on his face, she added, "Either that, or I'm going to show everyone the pictures of the _other_ things I made you do."

Raz groaned and walked out, getting several stares and some cat calls from his fellow campers. He'd never live this down. This would wreck his Psychonaut career. He noted with an odd feeling of horror that he actually _liked_ having dark pink leather gloves on. They felt furry inside. Like the meatloaf they serve at my school.

He found Sasha huddled over blueprints in the Main Lodge. Quentin was at his side, mumbling quietly. Both of them looked up when he came in. Quentin bit his lip to contain his laughter; Sasha stared over his sunglasses, mouth open slightly.

"Well, Razputin, what _are_ you doing?" Sasha asked with a small amount of fear in his voice.

Raz just groaned, threw his arms around Sasha's neck, and kissed him. Sasha froze, then went limp and fainted. Raz snapped a picture and flew off into the night on his now pink levitation ball. Quentin shook Sasha.

"Man, you okay?"

"Que…Quentin?" Sasha muttered, shaking, "I'm scared." With that, he curled up in the fetal position, sucking his thumb.

------------------------------------------------

"AAAAH!" Milla screamed as an army of flying furbies attacked her. They had bat wings, and fangs, and even though they were tiny, hundreds of them darkened the sky.

"You, me, friends, mm?" They called in unison.

Milla screamed in terror, pain, agony, fear, horror, alarm, panic, grief, anguish, every emotion I can look up on Microsoft Word. She moaned as they chased her down the beach, through the boathouse, and into the shores of Lake Oblongata.

Then the Mer-Furbies attacked.

They swam up from the deep, fish tails wagging, eyes glowing like the possessed demons that they were. "You, me, friends, mm?" They gurgled as they surrounded her, while in the background Free Wily the Whale died on the seashore.

"OH GOD! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!" Milla screamed, levitating away from the Furbies.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Sasha turned to Quentin, "How was this supposed to work?"

Quentin shrugged. "Who knows, dude? I just wanted to release the Furbies Bobby put in my suitcase."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was a flash of light, and Milla turned into a twelve year old. Now, her hair was in a perky little ponytail, her anime eyes weren't so big, and she was in all pink. Like a perky little angel. Two pink butterfly wings sprouted from her back as she flew away gracefully, away from the evil of Mer-Furbies. Away from the horror and terror they brought upon the land. Suddenly the world was brighter and smelled better.

Free at last, FREE AT LAST!

------------------------------------------------------

Sasha sighed. "Well, that was a bust. I'm going to bed. God, I feel so out of character.

Quentin shrugged. "That's hormones for ya."

-----------------------------------------------

Author's Notes: I'm sorry this took so long, and that it sucks. But I just went through this time where I'd had enough of Psychonauts – I needed a break, okay? Besides, I'll have nothing to do all summer but write. So I'll get back on this, I swear.


	8. Hamster Time!

After the unholy, OOC nightmare that had been yesterday, Sasha could've sworn things could only get better. It was a glorious day outside with glorious sunshine shining down upon glorious flowers and glorious butterflies while in the background glorious birds sang a glorious song to the world because it was so glorious. Sasha shuddered. The glory of it was stifling. God, he needed coffee.

And once he had obtained the pure, amazing beverage, he suddenly transformed. One moment he was a drowsy twelve-or so years old, the next, he was a nicely caffeinated 15 year old. He groaned and, slowly, like a condemmed man, reached back to feel his hair. Ah, the ponytail phase of his teenage years. His black gloved hand sought out his ear. Yep, same old pumpkin seed earring. He glanced down at his clothes. Black sweater, black pants, and black gloves.

Good thing the weather man said it was only going to be NINETY DEGREES today.

----------------------------------

Milla was in the middle of chasing a butterfly when Sasha shot at her. She screamed, "What was that for!" and threw a seagull at him via Telekinesis. Sasha grinned madly and laughed. The idea of Sasha Nein laughing openly froze her to the spot before she regained her senses enough to remember to thirst for revenge. "DIE!" she threw a fish at him, which the seagull then ate.

"My senior agent just threw a seagull at me while flapping her butterfly wings at me, apparently unaware that a squid-Furby is on her head," Sasha sighed. "Either I've had way too much caffeine, or we've both finally lost it."

Milla giggled and landed next to him on the beach. " 'Lost it' implies that we were sane at one point, darling." She blushed awkwardly. "I hate to sound cheesy, but I'm sorry I got mad at you. I had a blonde moment. My mother was blonde, you know."

Sasha stared at her for a moment, strange feelings rushing through his head before he finally smiled and hugged her. Part of her wing sprinkled fairy dust in his eye, but hey, that's what the sunglasses were for. Violins played, emphasizing the cheesy, happy, lovey-dovey moment as the two Psychonauts prepared to proclaim their love for each other so that Disney would give them a movie deal…

Then a giant hamster appeared out of the lake and started eating Nils.

There was a pause. Then Milla said, "If we don't save him, darling, someone will sue us."

"Can't we let him come out the other end?" Sasha asked nonchalantly, "We're having a moment."

Milla snorted in laughter but shook her head. "Seriously, darling, we've got to get him out of there. His mother runs SpookZine Inc, were the Psychonaut comics are published. I don't want to end up in the Swimsuit edition. Besides, Raz and Lili are busy."

Sasha snorted. "Very well. You pet the thing, I'm going to go get my secret weapon." He paused, "… You can let go of my waist, now, Agent Vodello."

"Sorry, darling," Milla blushed, and then asked, "what's your secret weapon?"

Sasha just smiled in response and laughed maniacally… before a bug flew up his throat and he just coughed manically. Hey, he tries, okay?

Milla, on the other hand, was left to deal with Ham-zilla, who was currently peeing in the lake and trying to look like he wasn't. Milla closed her green eyes and took a very deep breath. This was not happening. This was not happening. Then the hamster started chewing on a cliff. With a sigh, Milla used psychic energy to create a giant hamster wheel.

Screw how glorious the day was.

There was no way this was going to turn out good.

------------------------------------------

Author's Notes: Dude, I reached this point where I hated Psychonauts, then I woke up this morning and it was like BAM I love Psychonauts. Heh. Dunno why…


	9. Finally, the Finale!

AN: This is the greatest ending ever. It rocks, if I do say so myself.

I own nothing mentioned in this chapter, story, or any of my works.

------------------------------------

Sasha had several things he usually did to prepare himself for battle.

The first was meditation. While it was tempting to connect with his inner self and let Nils be eaten, this was not a good idea because Agent Vodello was scarier than a mer-Furby when angered. And oh, how angry she would be if a child died! So he thought about the next option: Ready himself mentally.

He'd already done that with his morning coffee.

Thirdly, he usually hiked up his pants. This he did very self-consciously now that he was a teenager and painfully aware of every inch of himself. Then he began to look in the counselors cabins for his secret weapon. Instead, he found a crudely drawn note in crayon. He sniffed it experimentally.

"OH GOTT, IT BURNS!" Sasha fell to his knees, choking as tears leaked out of his eyes. "Help…me…"

With that, we'll switch focus as this is a magnificently cheap cop-out that allows me to throw all continuity to the wind and random insert Sasha later, when I need his experimental juices!

----------------------------------

And so Milla turned to face the hamster, who was not at all interested in the giant, psychic-energy filled hamster wheel. In fact, the hamster glared at her as if she was an idiot for suggesting this. His eyes burned with politically correct fury.

"That is so racist," the hamster snapped. "Honestly, you think just because you're Brazilian you can go pickin' on other minorities!"

Milla stared in open shock. "That's not it, darling-"

"OH! So hamsters aren't good enough for you to pick on them? We're **_BENEATH_** you, is that it?"

"No, I-" Milla paused, then grinned as inspiration hit her like a bird hits a plane engine. "Nils told me to do it."

The hamster roared in anger and charged the unfortunate blonde boy, who ran and screamed as Milla giggled with childish immaturity. For a moment she simply watched the carnage, before she finally resigned herself to her moosey fate and chased after the thing. The Mer-Furbies watched her with wide eyes before leaping into the air and flying with their ultra-cool really-convenient-to-the-plot never-before-mentioned super powers.

"Friend," they called in unison, "You need help?"

Milla pointed to the hamster. "He's being mean to everyone for no reason and he won't say sorry!"

"Oh," the Furbys turned to the hamster and morphed in a really cool, anime style sequence that blew the budget for the whole fic. They merged together into a giant Furby of Unbridled Joy and Horror, with glowing red eyes, sugar pink fur, and a fluffy black tail that wagged the wag of doom. "ME NO LIKE MEANIE! Me now AAAAATTTTTAAAACCCCCKKKK!"

Milla stared in wonder as the Furby attacked the hamster, only to be set on fire. Pink fire, too. She raised an eyebrow as the Furby began to tap dance while screaming. Fortunately this was enough distraction for Nils to run away, screaming and shaking although he knew chicks liked scars. The Furby's furry fur burned away, leaving a tap dancing skeleton that sang in Icelandic for no logical reason.

Then the sky opened and Thor, God of Thunder came down and whisked the giant Furby skeleton away on a chariot made of Craft's Cheese and Macaroni, while angels with bleached blonde-and-blue hair sang Marilyn Manson's The New Shit.

"Could this be any weirder?" Milla wondered.

And at that moment, a super-hero version of herself flew up to her. She had the most unusual super hero outfit ever: a pink tank top, a pink mini skirt, thigh high white boots, and white gloves that came up two inches farther than her elbows. Her hair was mysteriously pink and was partially hidden by a white helmet that had two holes in the side where her hair stuck out in two little pink buns.

"Who are you?" Milla asked. "Or do I want to know?"

"I'm you from an alternate universe, darling," the super-hero Milla explained. "As always in super hero universes, there was a time space anomaly that let me go to other dimensions, and I thought you might need some help, so here I am."

"Thank God," Milla said, hugging her super-hero counter part. "You have no idea how terrible this week has been."

Super-hero Milla nodded understandingly. "Don't worry. I've had a good week, so I have the energy and moral fiber to fight this hamster-villain for hours at a stretch!"

"Finally, a plot device that helps!" Milla cheered as her alternate self dived at the hamster.

The hamster turned, his face writhing in hamster pain as his eyes filled with adorable tears. He crossed his arms as best as he could and glared at the super heroine, who stopped quickly when she realized he didn't look like he wanted to fight. After all, it was so un-super-hero-y to attack someone who didn't want to fight. Maybe he was giving into the powers of love and joy and sparkles and realizing the errors of his ways!

Or maybe he was just going to talk about racism.

"I am morally offended by you calling me a villain. I am not a villain. I am clearly an anti-hero and you of all people should recognize the difference!"

"Yes," said a familiar, German-accented voice. "_I'm_ the villain here."

Then super-hero Milla found herself in the water courtesy of a jet black psi beam. Milla turned as an evil laugh filled the air, along with several hundred pigeons who have no relevance to the story but should be mentioned because they are minority workers and did this scene for two dollars.

Super-villain Sasha was hot. Even normal Milla could not deny this fact.

His hair was tipped electric blue, and his dark blue sweater (under his black trenchcoat, a must for all villains) emphasized his evilness almost as well as his black pants and navy blue shoes did. He grinned evilly, tilting his head so the light bounced off of his dark blue sunglasses.

Super hero Milla pouted. "Oh, why must we fight like this?"

He looked at her like she was an idiot. "I, I don't know, maybe because I like blowing things up and you like bunnies."

Milla sweatdropped. "She's not very bright, is she, darling?"

He turned to her and nodded. "Yeah, well, you get used to it." He sighed.

Because Milla is, well, Milla, and therefore caring and kind, she turned to him with a look of concern. "Are you okay? You know, if you need to take a break from being a super villain, I could try fighting her for a few minutes."

"Hey!" Super-hero Milla yelled indignantly as a suckerfish clung to her head, "Whose side are you on?!"

Milla, ignoring her, placed a hand on the evil Sasha's shoulder sympathetically.

"It's not that I don't like fighting her – I do," he said softly. "But sometimes I wonder if I'm really that good of a villain. I mean, she calls herself Pink Power, so she can't be that bright. Yet I can't beat her. Maybe I'm not meant to be a villain."

In spite of his evilness, Milla hugged him. "Oh, darling, I'm sure it's not that. You're obviously a very powerful villain. This is probably just an early manifestation of a mid-life crisis. What you need is some vacation time to sort out what your true passion is in the villaining world. Then you'll be fine."

"Maybe you're right," evil Sasha admitted softly. "I should try that-" he took out a gun and grasped Milla in a headlock, "Right after I get Pink Power to harness the power of the hamster for me!"

"No! Never!" Pink Power yelled, but when evil Sasha moved the gun to Milla's neck, her shoulders sagged and she knew, like all cliché super heroines in a non-Disney universe knew, that she was defeated. "Curse you, Darkness!"

Milla quirked an eyebrow. "Darkness?"

"All the good names were taken. It was that or Squid-demon."

"Oh."

"RELEASE HER!" Sasha Nein appeared, looking slightly terrified and very pissed off.

His evil self laughed maniacally until a bug flew up his throat. Then he choked maniacally. What IS it with the bugs at Whispering Rock? They're never around unless they're in someone's belly…. Anyway, continuing on with this meatloaf-induced story…

"Well, well, well, what have we here," evil Sasha smirked. "A couple of newly blooming lovebirds. How sweet. Now, Milla dearest, tell your little boyfriend to harness the power of the hamster for me before I shoot you and start killing children."

"Wow, you are evil."

"Thanks. I knew that degree would come in handy."

"Oh?" Milla swiveled her head to look at him. "Ph. d?"

"Masters."

"That's quite impressive for a villain your age," Sasha Nein replied. "But there is no need for the gun. You see, we do not want the hamster. Any way it can be disposed of, I shall gladly accept and assist you in."

Evil Sasha grinned. "Excellent. Although by Evil Villains United rule number sixty-six, I'm required to have her held at gunpoint until I get the hamster. You understand."

"Of course," Sasha nodded, "Regulations are essential."

Both the Millas gagged.

"Now," evil Sasha laughed, " to unleash my secret, evil power upon the hamster…"

"And my secret weapon," Sasha Nein continued, reaching for something in his pocket…

"SOAP!"

The hamster screamed in grape juice filled agony and ran away, straight into a once-again-convenient-to-the-plot-never-before-mentioned portal that led to the evil Sasha's dimension. Everyone cheered and all of a sudden all the children clapped theatrically, as if the world were a cheesy movie and this was the grand ending in which all the main characters admit their feelings for each other as fireworks explode in the sky.

Instead, evil Sasha dropped Milla and rushed to his other self, who stared as the demented villain laughed evilly and kissed him. Sasha Nein psi blasted him, but the evil Sasha didn't care, letting out a laugh filled with Pringles.

"You taste like nail polish!"

Sasha Nein shook his head as Milla floated over. "I don't even want to know how he knows what that tastes like."

Pink Power and Darkness raced to the portal, making it just in time. Everyone cheered in the kind of mass joy that occurs only when the authoress has been up 36 hours and counting. The sky turned blue (instead of it's usual yellow) and birds flew everywhere, singing Hungarian opera to a God who no longer cared.

Then the portal opened again and evil Sasha poked his head out. "Oh, by the way, this freak who thinks I'm Goth fell out of the portal last week. Thought you'd want him back."

That said, he threw Don Kitty Lick, complete with stray jacket and muzzle, over to the crowd.

"A week?" Milla questioned. "It hasn't been that long."

"There's a time rift… difference… thing," Darkness nodded to himself. "Yeah, that's it. Oh, and Sasha Nein?"

"Yes?"

"Next time we meet, you, me," he held up his hands, the left forming an 'O' while his right pointer finger bobbed in and out of the circle meaningfully. Sasha looked sickened.

"That does it!" a random OC in a Pikachu suit who shall remain nameless shouted. "I can't take this OOC and continuity errors anymore! DON!" he grabbed a hold of the insane psychic by the shoulders and shook him. "For the love of God, turn them back! TURN THEM BACK!!!!"

Don nodded and did as he was told.

---------------------------------------

Oleander watched as Sasha, finally aged past the legal drinking age, drained an entire pitcher of beer. Usually he only had one a day, but being a child had deprived him of that wonderful joy.

Milla, on the other hand, was wearing a dress that showed more cleavage than normal because she was happy to have her own body back. There were a few tattoos she'd had on her teenage self that were better left unseen and unspoken of in the past.

Agent Cruller cleared his throat, and they all snapped to attention.

"Well, I don't rightly know how to explain this to headquarters, so if anyone asks, you two were incapacitated for a few days after Don knocked you out. According to the government, no psychic with his power should exist, so if anyone asks, he doesn't. Got that?" When he received three nods from his staff, he continued, "Now, it's important that the two of you get physicals after all that you've been through, to make sure you're okay. Oh, and Agent Nein?"

"Yessir?"

"Your evil self managed to blow up Nebraska. You wanna tell me how to explain that to HQ?" Ford grinned; he couldn't shoulder all the responsibility here!

"Remember Compton Boole, from the Academy?" Sasha asked lightly, steepling his fingers.

"The one who set you on fire and told you you looked good with a ponytail? Yeah, I remember that guy." Ford flinched. "He just about ruined graduation by dressing up as a hotdog and running across stage, yelling 'ask me about my wiener!'."

"Remember how he said he hated Nebraska?" When Ford nodded, Sasha continued, "I believe that and his schizophrenic tendencies will be sufficient evidence for the Psychonauts to say he did it."

"So, you're going to bill some guy who bullied you in highschool… for the state of Nebraska?" Oleander asked slowly.

"That's about the size of it," Sasha said coolly, sipping his second pitcher of beer.

"It was my idea," Milla said simply. Sasha nodded and the two high fived under the table.

Ford shook his head at them.

"You rascals!"


End file.
